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| by: JuDonn DeShields |
Because free night and weekend Minutes are too precious to be tellin' someone "you can do better".
Volume I: Getting to Know You
The Approach
I was watching a clip from the "Simple Pickup" the other night. Basic premise is these three dudes attempt to pickup women wearing crazy costumes and dishing out catchy one-liners. They've proven to be pretty successful in accumulating digits and have become a YouTube inspiration for fellas as a result. Personally, I'm not about to dress up as Mario and walk around Philly in an effort to court a "princess" on the street, but I will take one thing from this example. CONFIDENCE. Scenario: You're in Footlocker. You see someone who catches your eye, nice curly hair and eyes, (my weakness)... cool vibe-- do you approach and engage in conversation?
Scumbag Steve would want to kick some game-- but why? While it might break the ice and draw a (nervous) laugh, it's not going to spark a conversation. It'll also get a girl to walk away with the quickness. This is where confidence comes in to play. You're crazy if you think you can't hold a 5 minute conversation with someone about something that everyone wears (shoes).... or books (if you happen to be in BN)-- let's let Good guy Greg school us on a trip to Starbucks.
Now don't be that dude who hits up random Starbucks asking the same questions. You will get got! If you happen to find yourself in a situation where you're curious or have a question, why not engage someone in conversation? There's no harm or threat in this approach at all. Keep it simple-- keep it genuine-- and keep the conversation moving.
5 Minutes Is Up.... Let's Date
Asking a complete stranger for (for lack of better term) a date after only 5 minutes is no easy task. Your chances of success likely depend on how open the individual is, and how easy-going, non-threatening, and interesting you've proven yourself to be. Having someone say, "No thanks" to your proposal to hang out is bound to happen. Be prepared for that and don't feel some type of way about it when it happens. Allow Scumbag Steve to show us the wrong way to go about this:
For what?! Nah, homie... she's not going to give up the digits simply because you asked. You have to have a purpose, and again-- be as non-threatening as possible. You can't fake this funk... so if she senses that you have motives, you're already done. Good guy Greg, what you got?
You'll want to preface this with something like, "I want to hear more about how you got in to that... " or "Your vibe is real cool".... and then hit her with an invitation to LUNCH. Why lunch? People love to eat and meeting up during the day is not that serious. It's also a bearable amount of time just in case she's not feeling you. Coffee works and is a comfortable option as well. The key here is to have honest and innocent motives for asking to hang out. Don't tell her you're feeling her vibe if you're really not. Don't say that you want to hear more about animal conservation when you hunt some big behind deer on the weekends. Dishonesty is not a good look in building a healthy relationship-- Remember, you're just trying to get to know her.... keep it real!
I wish I had a girl so I could call her.....
When she agrees to meet up for lunch/coffee, make sure that you followup on the plans you set. Don't wait for her to confirm--be proactive. CALL HER. Again, keep it simple. The conversation shouldn't be long and drawn out-- in fact, it shouldn't be any longer than 2-3 minutes. When you call, make sure you already have plans in place. "Just wanted to see if you're still down for Saturday at La Colombe?". Scumbag Steve has a different way of doin' thangs.... check it:
Texting gives someone the opportunity to ignore you. At least if you call and leave a message, the ball is in the other person's court. Do your part and make that call.
Give and Take
So lunch went well-- or so you think. What's next? This is a step that stops a lot of dudes in their tracks. Some of us like to sit back and wait for a call/text OR we take charge and demand round 2. Balance is key in this situation-- Good guy Greg's approach almost never fails:
If it's true, hit em with the infamous, "I had a good time... we should do it again". Feel out her response-- if she doesn't agree... obviously you're a failure. If she seems to share your sentiment, use Greg's line. Is it a risk? Of course, but it also helps to create equality in the process. This is 2011, y'all. There's no reason for the dude to be the sole decision-maker in the dating process. Ladies have a mind of their own-- ask them to use it! It shows that you care about what they think-- don't forget how valuable that can be.
As you're leaving, be sure to remind her, "Let me know what's good for next time", and I guarantee a follow-up on her part.
Everybody meet Mr. me too
He has no place in a budding relationship. I'm referring to the dude who seems to like everything the lady likes just because. Think about your friendships-- if my roommate tells me that he's feelin' Drake, I'ma tell him he's wack. Yeah, I said it. The same should be true of your romantic relationships. No one wants to date a mirror image of themselves. If that was the case, they would be content to spend all their time alone. People worth being around value newness. Be comfortable with, and celebrate your difference. Don't be like Mr. me too, Scumbag Steve.
For the sake of maturation...recognize infatuation
Relationships, both platonic and romantic, are a journey. Physical attraction is easy-- it's immediate, feels good, and makes sense. Infatuation represents the peak of your physical attraction to someone. The unfortunate reality is that it doesn't last. As fellas, we tend to get caught up in the initial rush of infatuation, and our "feelings" for someone seem to die out all too quickly. The most likely culprit is that someone else caught our eye and held our attention for just as long (maybe a few weeks). Challenge yourself to be attracted to more than just someone's physical attributes. Find out what intrigues you about them and see where it takes you. When you've become "caught up" or "pressed" after just two dates... recognize it. Take things slow, get to know the person better, and allow your feelings to play out as they will. No one likes a SIMP.
As always, fellas, different strokes for different folks. Take these with a grain of salt and always do what works best for you. Above all, though-- be yourself, have confidence, and don't take yourself too seriously. (The ever-elusive) "The one" will find you-- and if you're in search of love and acceptance, look no further than the friends and family that you've been blessed with.
Be well.
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